Intoxicating
by Rubik Ace
Summary: After Spock saves Jim from dying of a life-threateningly high fever, Jim realizes his affection to Spock is more than he ever bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters nor the setting, they belong to those awesome people who created Star Trek.**

* * *

Receiving occasional delighted greetings Spock walked towards the officers' mess. His stride was formal and stiff, as always, and the posture of his shoulders slightly bent forwards. As always.

Most of the crew hadn't seen him for a week due to his sick leave caused by a Vulcan virus that had taken interest in him during their shore leave on his home planet. The symptoms had been similar to a mere cold or flu, but Dr. McCoy, despite Spock's refusal, had ordered him to take a sick leave to prevent contamination of other crew members.

When the door swooshed open before him, Spock immediately noticed his captain, Jim Kirk, sitting alone and staring at the tray in front of him, every now and then remembering to put food in his mouth. He was leaning to his left hand and seemed to be in deep thoughts.

Spock got his food and approached the Captain, who still hadn't paid any attention to his surroundings. The Vulcan went around the table and sat down, startling the brown haired man who glared at his first officer with irritation written all over his face. However, his annoyance was gone in a nanosecond when he recognized the man who was daring enough to disturb the captain of the USS Enterprise.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Spock. How are you feeling?"

Spock merely nodded and replied: "Very well, thank you, Captain."

Jim was very pleased. Although they had somehow managed without Spock on the bridge, he had to admit that he was glad the man was back on duty.

"And how was your sick leave?"

"Uneventful, Captain, but what I have heard, so was everyone else's week. Very unusual."

"I couldn't agree with you more, Mr. Spock," Jim said and stuffed his mouth full of what was supposed to be meatloaf. "I was expecting us to encounter at least an asteroid field or something, but there has been nothing at all. Not a single action-filled second for a whole week."

Spock quirked his right eyebrow and tilted his head.

"Are you growing impatient, Captain?"

"A bit, yes. It's been nice, though, to have some time to sleep, eat and exercise properly without the constant concern that something requiring my immediate attention should happen."

"Do you feel well rested?"

"I do, thank you, Mr. Spock," Jim said and watched his first officer take a bite of something that looked like a vegetable patty of some sort. "I'm sorry I didn't call on you during the week, Mr. Spock, but Bones gave everybody very strict orders to avoid any situations a contamination could be possible."

"It's alright, Captain, I understand."

Jim took a sip from his glass of water and asked: "What have you been doing while isolated in your quarters?"

Spock took his time chewing and swallowing, obviously thinking furiously.

"Nothing worth mentioning, Captain. However, I did think about the possibilities of invisibility yesterday, but came to the conclusion that invisibility is, and will be, something we ought to study carefully before pursuing it."

"What made you think about invisibility, Mr. Spock?"

"I'm not sure, Captain. The boredom possibly."

Jim smirked.

"I thought you didn't feel boredom, Mr. Spock."

"I do feel it, Captain, I just control it. But it seems that I, too, have my limitations."

"What a pity, Mr. Spock," Jim said cunningly and was very happy he had the privilege of talking to his first officer again. He emptied his glass of water, placed the glass back on his tray and was about to leave.

"Speaking of things worth mentioning, Captain, I believe that was my glass of water you just drank," Spock said, a smile tucking the corners of his mouth but never overcoming the Vulcan's control of his emotions and facial expressions.

Jim looked surprised and he studied the arrangement of the dishes on the table. The glasses had been placed on the table between their trays and Jim had accidently chosen the left hand side one instead of the right hand side.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Spock. Here, have mine instead. Apparently I never even touched it."

"Thank you, Captain."

Their easygoing chat was interrupted by Bones and Scotty who suddenly sat down right next to them.

"I could eat a horse and chase the jockey," Bones sighed and started wolfing down his meatloaf.

Spock frowned and looked at the three men around him.

"Eat a horse and chase the jockey?"

"It's an Earth saying we use to express hunger, Mr. Spock," Jim explained, saving Spock from Bones' sarcasm. Bones looked like a child whose favorite toy had been taken from him.

"I still don't understand it, Captain."

"Well, Mr. Spock, on Earth people sometimes entertain themselves with horse racing and the person who rides the race horse is called the jockey."

"Ah, I see, Captain. So this saying of yours is also supposed to amuse, as well as inform?"

Jim glanced at Bones and Scotty who were fighting the urge to laugh. Though Spock's need to analyze everything often annoyed them, it sometimes offered some entertainment too. Jim smiled at his first officer.

"That is correct, Mr. Spock."

Spock raised his eyebrows so high they almost disappeared under his dark hair.

"Fascinating. The joke in this saying of yours is caused by the reference to cannibalism, which is considered unappealing in most cultures. Although sayings are more than often very illogical, I find this one slightly amusing."

"We are so glad," Bones said and ignored Jim's warning glare. "I was looking for you, Mr. Spock. I'll have to examine you before I can officially say you can be let back to the bridge."

"There's no need for that, Doctor. I checked my pulse and blood pressure myself this morning and there was nothing wrong with them. In addition, I haven't been feverish for four days."

"I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you, Mr. Spock, but I have to be absolutely certain. Meet me at the sickbay after lunch or I'll have you dragged there."

Bones received a quirked eyebrow.

"With due respect, Doctor, I doubt you could do that. Even if you sent guards after me, I could leave them unconscious and continue whatever I had been doing at the moment."

Bones spread his arms and looked at Jim, pleadingly.

"Help me out here, Jim."

"No way," Jim laughed and leaned back in his chair. "I want to see where this is going."

"Are you sure you're not afraid of doctors, Mr. Spock?" Scotty asked Spock with a wide smirk on his face.

Spock shook his head. He knew he was being made fun of, but he didn't let it disturb him.

"Being afraid of doctors would be most illogical, Mr. Scott. I merely trust my own knowledge of Vulcan bodily functions."

"And so do I," Bones said dryly. "You better show up at the sickbay by 1500 hours, Mr. Spock, or I will come up with something unpleasant."

Both Bones and Spock glanced at Jim, who they apparently wanted to have the final word. Jim shrugged, stood up and before picking up his tray he said to Spock: "Get yourself examined by 1500 hours, Mr. Spock. That's an order."

Spock nodded and didn't look defeated at all.

"Yes, Captain."

* * *

After a poorly slept night captain Jim Kirk walked onto the bridge and slumped into his chair. He was having an awful headache and had been sweating so much during the morning that he had had to change his yellow tunic twice before leaving his quarters. Hikaru Sulu turned around in his chair and frowned.

"Are you all right, Captain?"

"I'm fine, thank you, Mr. Sulu. It's just this damn headache that kept me up all night and it's still not stopping."

"Captain, have you considered seeing Dr. McCoy?"

"I have, but he would only make it a big deal, which this is not."

Sulu shrugged and turned back to continue his work. Jim looked around, searching for his first officer, but couldn't find him. Bones had said that Spock was healthy enough to return to the bridge, but the man wasn't around. A wave of worry brushed the insides of the Captain's ribcage.

"Has anyone seen Mr. Spock?"

"He said he had something to do and left just before you arrived, Captain. He told us, though, that he was going to return in a few minutes."

"Thank you, Uhura."

Jim rubbed his forehead with his knuckles and noticed he was sweating again, although he was feeling a little bit cold. He heard a sudden whoosh of the bridge door and Spock walked in with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Where have you been, Mr. Spock?"

"Doing some calculations, Captain. We should arrive to an unexplored, Earth-like planet in six days, fourteen hours, nine minutes and 7.85 seconds," Spock said using extreme precision, as always. The science officer stopped to stand right next to his captain, who was fighting furiously to hide his perspiration from him.

"Less precision next time, please, Mr. Spock."

"As you wish, Captain."

Spock's warmth and familiar scent by his side comforted Jim a bit, and made him feel a lot safer. He wasn't feeling good at all, but he knew Spock would take care of things on the bridge if the Captain had to excuse himself.

Spock either ignored or didn't notice his captain's discomfort, pivoted and walked to his post. Jim watched him go and sighed. He had been about to tell Spock that he wasn't feeling too well and ask if Spock could take the command for an hour or two. Seeing Bones had suddenly started to feel like a very good idea. The throbbing headache was getting worse and Jim was starting to feel slightly nauseated. He shifted in his chair restlessly.

"Captain, have a look at this."

Jim rose from the commanding officer's chair and tried to make his way to Spock's post, his legs feeling weakened and numb. His head was heavy and his vision hazy, and the bridge felt like it was swaying. Jim stopped to lean to his chair's armrest and felt big drops of sweat run down on his neck. The captain had just enough time to see Spock turn around in his library-computer station chair before everything went black and silent.

* * *

"Captain, have a look at this."

There seemed to be something wrong with the readings Spock was getting, and he had decided to ask the Captain for his opinion, although Spock didn't really need it. He just felt it was polite to ask the Captain what he thought of it. However, the Captain seemed to be taking a lot more time to walk to the library-computer station than usually. Spock turned around and saw his captain collapse and hit his head to an edge of the commanding officer's chair.

"Captain!" He cried out, giving no thought to his self-control, and dashed to the center of the bridge. The Captain was lying terribly still in a small puddle of blood. Sulu was already down on his knees next to the Captain and several other members of the crew had risen from their chairs with anxious looks on their faces.

"I'll alert Dr. McCoy," Uhura said and turned to her post. Spock reached to feel the pulse from the Captain's neck and felt an awfully hot skin under his fingertips.

"He's got a very high fever," Spock said in a choked voice. "Approximately over 104 Fahrenheit."

"Dr. McCoy is on his way!" Uhura shouted behind Spock's back, but Spock didn't reply.

The Captain's breathing was very weak and the cut on his hairline was bleeding all over his face. Spock touched his neck and frowned.

"His body temperature is climbing. We have to get him cooled or there will be a lot of tissue damage."

"Uhura said Dr. McCoy was coming," Sulu said and felt the Captain's pulse from his wrist. "His pulse is very rapid."

"There is no time to wait for Dr. McCoy," Spock snapped and pushed Sulu aside. He grabbed the Captain's command tunic, ripped it and exposed the Captain's chest, which was covered in rash. A rash unfortunately familiar to Spock. He froze.

"What the heck is that?" Sulu asked, looking frightened. Spock didn't bother to answer, and he made the only logical decision.

"Mr. Spock, what are you doing?" Uhura snarled in a very appalled voice. "We must wait for the Doctor."

Spock had picked the Captain up and was now carrying him from the bridge to the Captain's quarters. He soon had Scotty running behind him along the aisles.

"Mr. Spock, we have to wait for the Doctor."

"There is no time."

Spock received baffled looks as he carried the Captain on his shoulders. The Captain's limp body was burning hot and Spock knew he could already start planning the Captain's funeral if he stopped to wait for Bones. He was just about to enter the Captain's quarters, when he heard the Doctor's furious bark from the aisle.

"Spock, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm only being logical," Spock replied firmly and stepped into the shady quarters. He carried the Captain straight to the bathroom and laid him carefully onto the floor. Bones followed him and yelled: "What do you think you're doing? I have to get him to the sickbay!"

Spock violently yanked the ripped command tunic and threw it onto the floor.

"Look at him! Look at his chest!"

Bones opened his mouth to say something, but only took a sharp breath when he glanced at the Captain's skin.

"Isn't that the same kind of rash you had last week?"

"Well observed," Spock hissed and dragged the Captain into the shower stall. He arranged the unconscious man to a half-sitting position and took his upper body into his lap. He turned on the shower and set it to coldest mode possible. Now he had only hope he had made it in time.

The Vulcan leaned his head to the cool wall, sighed and let the cold water pour on himself too, although he was fully dressed and was already shivering.

"Scotty, could you go to the sickbay and get the cooling blankets ready?" Bones asked. Scotty merely nodded and glanced at Spock and the Captain before leaving the room.

The Captain shifted a little on Spock's lap and opened his eyes for a second. Bones reached to touch his forehead.

"His temperature is dropping. How high was it on the bridge?"

"Approximately over 104 Fahrenheit."

"If that's the case, I think you've just saved the man's life."

Spock didn't answer. He already knew the Captain had gotten the same Vulcan flu he had suffered himself last week. Since they hadn't been in any contact during Spock's sick leave, the only possible source of contamination had been Spock's glass of water the Captain had accidently drank the day before. He had nearly killed his captain. His dearest friend. By being careless.

The Captain shifted again and seemed to be conscious now. He was trying to say something, but Bones told him not to talk. Scotty was back and told Bones the cooling blankets were ready.

"Thank you, Scotty. Let's carry him to the sickbay."

They picked the Captain up and left, leaving Spock sit under the freezing cold shower.

… _I am the master of my own emotions._


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for the follows, faves and the review! I hope the second chapter comes up to your expectations :)**

* * *

Scotty sat into the commanding officer's chair and rested his chin on his left palm. He and the Doctor had carried Jim to the sickbay through a sea of worried and curious crew members. It had been maddening to see the Captain in such a bad condition without being able to do much to help him. Now he was again receiving looks that reminded him of an abandoned puppy he had found as a boy. It was actually a good memory since his parents had allowed him to keep the dog, but the current circumstances gave it a very sad and depressing tone.

"How's the Captain, Mr. Scott?" Lieutenant Uhura asked cautiously. There had been a lot of discussion and speculations about the Captain's condition after Mr. Spock had left with the unconscious man, and the entire command crew was hopeful that Scotty could provide some answers.

"He was unconscious when I last saw him. Dr. McCoy is trying to find the cause of what happened."

"Is he going to be all right?" Mr. Sulu asked and reduced the ship's speed to warp factor one. They were in no hurry and with the Captain sick, no one really wanted to reach their destination in the time Mr. Spock had calculated.

"I don't know," Scotty sighed and shook his head. "The Doctor said he would inform us when he knew more."

A long, heavy silence filled the bridge, and it felt like all the machinery had gone quieter too. There was nothing worse than dubiety, and since they hadn't really got anything to do to keep themselves too busy to think, everyone was on edge.

* * *

"That's the spirit," Bones whispered when he finally received the results of the computer's dosage calculations. He filled an ampoule and pushed it inside the large, steel injector.

"Don't fail me now," he said to the injector and entered the ward where Jim was lying under the cooling blankets. The Captain was conscious, but still very drowsy.

"What's that?"

"This, Jim, is the medicine I've been working on for the last six hours."

Jim frowned in pain when Bones injected him to the thigh muscle. The shot could not be given to The Captain's shoulder since his whole upper body was covered in painful rash and every little touch made it feel hundred times worse.

"You still haven't told me what happened to me after I passed out."

Glancing at Jim, Bones pulled the needle out and set the injector aside.

"I think you should rest rather than think."

Jim gave Bones a warning look and shifted a little to rest his head higher on the pillow.

"There's something going on, isn't there?"

"Nothing's going on Jim. I just think you should rest for now."

"Don't lie to me Bones," the Captain scowled, giving the Doctor a very sharp and angry glare. "Is it about the ship?"

Bones smiled a little with the left side of his mouth. At least the Captain wasn't in too bad condition according to his worry about The Enterprise.

"The ship's fine, Jim."

Despite the pain, Jim rose into a sitting position. He felt he was being treated like an idiot, and he certainly wasn't going to stand such behavior towards himself.

"Then tell me."

Bones let out a tortured sigh and fetched himself a chair to sit on. The Captain was impatient and seemed to be very angry with him. Bones knew it was due to the Captain's sickness, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to put up with the man if he didn't tell him.

"Look, Jim, I don't know what happened on the bridge after you passed out, but when I found you, you were unconscious from the fever with a cut on your forehead, and Spock was taking you to your quarters. He dragged you into your shower and let cold water pour on you, in order to lower your body temperature."

Bones shrugged and admitted having been wrong telling off Spock.

"He was doing what he always does, being logical, and if Spock had waited for me on the bridge, you would have massive tissue damage by now."

Jim frowned.

"How massive?"

Bones lowered his gaze and stared at his own hands.

"Bones."

The Doctor squirmed a little before giving up and muttering his answer.

"You'd be dead."

Jim lowered himself back onto the bed and let his gaze wander on the ceiling. The bright lights were hurting his eyes but he couldn't look away. He knew the Doctor was watching him, studying his expressions, trying to figure out what he was going on inside his head. Nevertheless, it was obvious to the Captain himself.

_Spock._

"Jim, I know it's scary to have such a close call-"

"What's wrong with me?" Jim asked firmly and gave Bones a piercing look with his hazel eyes.

Rubbing his temples, Bones said in a very tired voice after a brooding silence: "You have the Vulcan virus Spock caught during the shore leave."

The Captain shook his head and tried to wrap his brain around what he had just heard.

"How is it possible?" He asked the weary looking Bones. "I mean, if it's a virus of Vulcans', how is it possible that I caught it?"

"It would appear that I was right when I practically forced Spock to take a sick leave. This virus doesn't seem to be too picky about its host and can feast in a red bloodstream, as well as in a green one."

"The command crew," Jim said slowly and swallowed. "They all are in danger of falling sick."

"Not for long," Bones assured Jim. "I've isolated the virus from a blood sample of yours, and the computer is currently producing enough vaccine for the entire crew of The Enterprise. Also, I'll put Spock on medication since he still seems to be a carrier of the virus and is able to infect others."

Jim was staring at the ceiling again with a hazy look in his eyes. He smiled.

"Putting Spock on medication shouldn't be too difficult a task, even though you two are always bickering. He would consider it illogical to rebel against you now that he knows he's still got the virus in his system."

"Believe me, Jim, he will rebel anyway, just for the heck of it," Bones said and rose from his chair. "Now get some rest. Doctor's orders."

Bones left for his laboratory, leaving Jim alone with his thoughts.

_The water. It must have been the water. Spock had already drunk from that glass so obviously there must have been remains of his saliva in the water. I hadn't seen him for a week before that, so obviously there are no other possible sources of contamination…_

Before he could stop it, a rush of memories swept his thoughts.

Spock coughing in his chair on the bridge. Spock apologizing Jim for having to obey Dr. McCoy, who had ordered the sick leave. The Captain's irritation at Bones for doing so. The whole week without anything unexpected that would have kept him from getting depressed just because his first officer was absent -

Jim mentally gave himself a slap in the face.

_No, Jim, being emotional is the wrong way to deal with this. Right way to deal with this is to merely be grateful to be alive. And thank every force in this universe for Spock's existe-_

Another mental slap. Jim was having difficulties in keeping himself in line, and therefore had to admit to himself that there was only one option.

_All right, Jim, let's think about Spock for a while, _he thought. _Let's approach this with__** a little questionnaire.**_

The Captain had always used the technique of separating his subjective and objective sides and letting the objective interview the subjective, or vice versa. This had often proven to be effective when a tangled mess of thoughts had to be… untangled.

_**How did you feel when Mr. Spock was absent?**_

_A bit empty. Slightly lost. He's a good officer and his knowledge is always needed._

_**What effects did those feelings of being lost and empty have on you?**_

_I got sloppy and was couple of times late from my shift on the bridge. I was often very preoccupied. I was worried._

_**Because?**_

_Spock is my friend. I miss him when he's not around and I worry for him when he's not ok._

_**You miss him so bad you lose your ability to function?**_

_I did not -_

_**Remember that time one of the yeomans was making eyes at Mr. Spock? You got her transferred to another starship. Why?**_

_She was a threat to discipline. _

_**Mr. Spock was playing along with her and you didn't even consider transferring him. Why?**_

_I need Spock -_

_**And here we have it. Congratulations Jim, you have officially admitted that you need him. Now -**_

Jim shook his head and ended the conversation between his subjective and objective sides. Basically he was mocking himself but disguised it to a moment of self-reflecting. He knew he was not supposed to care about Spock so much, since being emotionally involved could interfere with his work, but the damage had already been done. The Captain considered Spock as a good friend, thus justifying his overprotective and even jealous feelings. Every time Spock wasn't at least in the same room with him, Jim assumed that either something had happened to him or he was with someone else; possibly making new friends, possibly-

The mental slaps turned into mental hits.

_I am not jealous of my first officer and friend like some woman with a low self-esteem. I. Am. Not._


	3. Chapter 3

**Yay, thanks for all the faves, follows and reviews again! I'm glad so many of you like this, and I sure hope you'll also like the new chapter. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

After four days of laying in the sickbay the Captain was finally let go to spend the rest of his two-week sick leave in his own quarters. After announcing the command crew that Jim was well enough to have visitors during the third day in the sickbay, Bones had had to act as a guard at the door of the ward to stop almost the entire command crew from billowing inside all at once. Everyone had been pleased to see the Captain was alright, and told him they already missed him. Scotty had been quite teary during his visit and had been about to hug Jim, but luckily Bones had stopped him in time. Jim's rash was still quite uncomfortable and Bones had almost had to restrain the Captain every time he examined the rash or took biopsies, that painful it was.

Still, there was something that had driven Bones up the wall more than once. Everyone from the bridge had visited Jim, with only one exception.

Spock, despite Bones' persistent sweet talking, blackmailing and eventually threatening, had refused to call on the Captain. He had every time said he was too busy and exited the bridge to hide behind his desk in his quarters, or in the engineering room, as if he actually had something to do in there.

"Damn it, Spock, he's your friend," Bones had once said to him when he had managed to catch the Vulcan on the bridge.

"Dr. McCoy, I'll have you removed from the bridge if you don't stop disturbing me."

The Doctor had been so furious he could have grabbed the 'pointy-eared hobgoblin' from the shoulders and shaken him to provoke at least some emotional reaction.

"If I have to answer Jim one more time 'Spock apologizes but he's too busy to come', I'll flay your green-blooded ass into ribbons."

A mere perked eyebrow, no emotion what so ever.

"No need to be vulgar, Doctor. Nevertheless, you will have to tell the Captain my best wishes and apologize to him for me, since I am, indeed, busy at the moment."

"You unbelievable son of a bitch," Bones had muttered when leaving the bridge. His heart broke every single time he had to tell Jim his friend wasn't going to come to see him for reasons unknown. Every time Bones had been to the other parts of the ship, Jim had asked him whether he had seen Spock. Every time Bones had had to meet those hazel puppy dog eyes and tell them the same answer Spock always gave when asked to call on his captain, and every time the Doctor's heart had sunk, and apparently Jim's had too.

One of the advantages of being free from babysitting Jim was the possibility of a decent workout. As Bones entered the ship's gym he was more than pleased to notice it was quite empty and peaceful. Fetching himself a couple of free weights, Bones bumped into Mr. Sulu, who was apparently just about to leave.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Sulu. How was your workout today?"

Sulu shook his head with annoyance lingering on his face.

"It was nice, but would have been better if I had had the chance to use the damned treadmill."

"Something wrong with it?"

"Not with it, more like him. I know Mr. Spock enjoys a good run every now and then, but he's so inconsiderate sometimes," Sulu growled. "He was running when I came here and hasn't even taken a brake."

Bones leaned to his left to see around the corner. The treadmill was located in a niche and it was impossible to see from where Bones and Sulu were standing, but a steady, metronome-like tapping of footsteps could be heard.

"Well, the downside of having no emotions is occasional impoliteness," Bones said shrugging and passed Sulu. "Have a nice day Mr. Sulu."

"You too, Doctor."

Bones snuck around the corner without Spock noticing him. The Vulcan hadn't even changed into the tights people usually wore at the gym, but had merely thrown on a grey t-shirt and black shorts. It was so unbelievably human Bones forgot to be angry with him for a moment.

The back of Spock's shirt had a triangular sweat stain on it, which Bones considered rather odd. Spock didn't sweat, not even when Bones made him pedal the wall-exerciser during routine medical checkups.

_Either he still hasn't bounced back from his flu or he's been running for a hell of a long time._

"Dr. McCoy, how long are you going to stand there?"

_Damn his Vulcan hearing…_

"How long have you been running, Mr. Spock?" Bones asked and walked around the treadmill to stand right next to it. Spock's face and neck was gleaming from sweat and the front of his shirt, too, had a sweat stain on it.

"I haven't been timing myself, Doctor," Spock replied and took a sharp breath. Bones frowned; Spock was very rarely out of breath.

"You shouldn't push your boundaries too much yet. Your body needs time to heal first."

Spock's stride didn't miss a single beat.

"With due respect, Doctor, I believe I'm qualified to decide whether I'm healed enough or not."

"Actually, you're not," Bones said triumphantly. "When it comes to a crewmember's health, I'm the one who's in charge."

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

"Speaking of which, how is Captain Kirk?"

Bones looked like if Spock had just spat on him.

"So now you're interested? Why the hell haven't you called on him to see for yourself?"

Spock didn't bother to reply.

Bones was so mad at the arrogant half-breed he was barely able to keep himself from throwing Spock off the treadmill. On top of being an insufferable bastard, the Vulcan was now ignoring the Doctor, and that was something he wasn't going to stand. Bones punched the pause-button of the treadmill, and the machine slowly reduced the speed and finally stopped. Spock stepped down and left for the locker room, not even glancing at Bones, like he had just finished his workout without any disturbances from his surroundings.

"Oh, no, no, no, you're not running away from me this time," Bones snarled and followed the Science Officer.

Spock was already changing when Bones reached him. He grabbed the man from an elbow and turned him around. Spock's eyes were cold and blank, but Bones could tell he was not pleased to be touched without a permission being asked first.

"Spock, even though I don't agree with you very often and even more often make fun of you, I still can't help feeling worried for you, and I would appreciate, if you told me whether I should. Why don't you want to see Jim?"

"It's not like that."

"God damn it, it's something. You've been avoiding Jim and now you're exhausting yourself on a treadmill like you were punishing yourself for somethi-"

And then he realized. Spock was, indeed, punishing himself.

"That's it, isn't it?" He asked with a slight enthusiasm for bypassing Spock's guards. "You're punishing yourself for infecting Jim."

Spock pulled his shirt over his head and said in an even and steady voice: "I wish not to discuss this with you, Doctor."

"There was nothing you could have done!" Bones yelled, frustrated. He felt like he was fighting windmills. "Jim's sickness is not your fault. Damn it, Spock, viruses spread and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

"Jim's sickness is my fault, Doctor, but I wish not to discuss it any further-"

"You're visiting Jim today, or I'll to make your oh-so-dear logical and emotionless life into an illogical and miserable hell."

Without another word Bones stormed back to the gym. He was amazed he hadn't actually hit Spock during his angry outburst. From all logical people Spock was being the most illogical when it came to guilt. Of course when asked, Spock would say he didn't feel guilt, but Bones could tell it wasn't true. Spock was feeling guilty, and in his opinion, the only logical thing to do was to stay away from the Captain. Bones felt slightly sorry for Spock, but abruptly shook his head and decided he was still mad at him.

* * *

Someone was again ringing the chime. The annoying buzz vibrated in the air and made Captain Jim Kirk frown in frustration. There had been crewmembers coming and going all day, but the Captain hadn't had heart to tell them he was fed up with all the chocolate, get well soon -cards and kind words he had been getting.

Jim crawled out of his bed and staggered to the door. He was expecting to find Bones with the familiar steel injector, but was, despite the sight of a blue uniform tunic, pleasantly surprised to see a tall and lean, dark haired Vulcan officer on his doorstep.

_Finally._

"I am happy to see you're feeling better, Captain."

His tone was steady and his voice deep without any hints of a possible smile bubbling inside him. Still, Jim gave him a very wide smile and gestured towards his quarters. Spock stepped inside and folded his hands behind his back.

"How have thing's been on the bridge, Mr. Spock?"

"Uneventful, but still very time consuming, sir, since I've been occupied with duties of a science officer and a captain too."

"I am sorry, Mr. Spock. I hope you're not finding it too taxing?"

"There's no need to apologize, Captain, since I am glad you trust me with such a responsibility."

Jim smirked and stretched his arms.

"And I'm glad it's you, Mr. Spock, who I can to trust my duties to."

Spock acknowledged the compliment with a nod and said simply: "Thank you, Captain."

The men walked to Jim's desk and sat down on the chairs placed around it, although Spock was being careful not to sit before his superior officer. Relaxed, Jim leaned back and took a careful glimpse of his first officer when the man wasn't looking. He was being formal and distant, as usual, but Jim didn't really mind. He was merely happy that Spock had finally come to call on him. Every possible positive feeling provoked by Spock's visit was waving inside him, making him feel alive again.

Spock turned his gaze back to Jim, catching the Captain looking at him. Jim received a perked eyebrow. For a moment the Captain was mad at himself for the stare that started out careful, but ended up careless.

"Your skin is healing."

Indeed it was, and the reason Spock was able to know that, was because Jim couldn't wear a shirt yet since every piece of clothing made the rash itch unbearably.

"Yes it is, though it still tends to itch at night."

Spock nodded.

"Mine did too, although it wasn't as bad as yours."

The Science Officer lowered his gaze for a second, but raised it quickly back to his captain's eyes.

"I'm sorry for all this, Captain."

"Don't apologize, Mr. Spock, none of this is your fault," Jim assured him. "And please, call me Jim."

"I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you, Capt-… Jim. This is at least partially my fault."

"No, Mr. Spock, it is not," Jim said, shaking his head. Spock was so stubborn sometimes, it was unbelievable.

The Captain frowned and scratched his shoulder. The itching was back, and he knew it wouldn't leave him alone for a while. Spock rose from his chair and walked around the table.

"Let me have a look."

Jim flinched under Spock's touch, even though it was ever so gentle. The Captain took a deep breath and could smell Spock's shower gel, or whatever it was that always lingered in the air around the man. The scent was more than pleasant, maddening, and almost frustratingly intoxicating. Somehow summery, but still more spring-like. There was deepness of winter, but also the last warm days of autumn. He could smell all his favorite treats in it, and it reminded him of every happy memory he had. It was the scent of Spock.

Desperate to lean closer to Spock just to inhale that deep, slightly musky scent, Jim shifted in his chair restlessly. Spock was reaching over him now, examining the Captain's other shoulder and chest.

Suddenly Jim realized how close his first officer actually was. There were mere inches between his and Spock's faces. He could see his smooth and soft-looking skin from up close for the first time. The perfect jawline was right in front of him, and those deep, brown eyes were on the level of his own. Jim could feel his cheeks were blushing.

Spock was about to withdraw from him, but stopped, and looked straight into his eyes. The moment lasted only a second, and during that time Jim leaned in to kiss the Vulcan, but never touched his lips. He realized he wasn't even near his desk, and there was no Spock in his quarters.

He was in his bed, groggy from suddenly waking up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank's again for all the follows, faves and reviews! Enjoy the fourth chapter, I'll be updating again soon ;)**

* * *

It took a while before Jim finally got himself out of the bed and into the shower. Taking off his clothes he tried to untangle a mess of thoughts and get himself back to real life again, but it proved to be quite difficult. A partial hard-on was throbbing uncomfortably in his boxers, and he couldn't help feeling slightly embarrassed, despite the fact that he was alone.

Sighing, the Captain finally entered the shower and let warm, almost hot water pour on himself. He leaned to the wall in front of him, pressing his right temple against the cool tiles. It didn't take long before the shower stall was full of steam and Jim couldn't see through the glass walls anymore. It felt somehow safe; now that he was sealed into his steam-filled glass pod he could think without any visual disturbances.

The dream had been very vivid with all its sensations. Especially Spock's scent had been portrayed exactly as it was; deep, musky, masculine, deranging. The scent of fulfillment and wanting at the same time. Also, the Vulcan's warmth lingering in the air had been a spot on.

_God damn it, Jim._

He felt confused, and the dream didn't leave him alone. Despite the steaming hot shower, Jim was sure some of the warmth he was feeling was remains of the dream, remains of the dream-Spock, who had been maddeningly close. Spock had been positioned so dominantly, so possessively, it should have felt a bit odd. For some reason, it hadn't.

Jim squeezed the shower gel bottle over his chest and placed it back to the small plastic shelf. Rubbing the gel on the rash didn't feel so nice, but Bones had advised Jim to start using the skin products again he had used before the rash, so that his skin would get used to them again. Such trivial matters as Bones' constant ranting about something seemed quite unimportant at the moment.

Reaching down to his crotch Jim realized his hardened member wasn't going to give up just like that. He wasn't sure whether it had been merely his rather short nap or the dream that had provoked such a persistent erection, but he really hoped it was not the latter. Trying to think every possible female crewmember he considered at least somewhat attractive, Jim started stroking himself and let out a sigh.

For reasons unknown, thinking of some random but hot, young lady all over him hadn't done the trick for ages. Thinking of some of his former partners was more effective, but it felt like nothing. He couldn't wake his passions, and so the jerking off ended up being just jerking off, without any feelings of mental satisfaction. He decided he would just try not to think about anything or anyone and get the job done and move on with his life.

_Why am I suddenly being so weird?_

If he had had the guts he would have gone to talk with Bones, who seemed to have an answer to everything. But getting answers from that direction would have required telling Bones everything; the dream, the constant feeling of wanting, the misery he felt when Spock wasn't around and the joy when he was. The occasional dirty images flashing in his head, leaving him drown in guilt. Images, which he had classified as taboos; something one did not simply just talk about to their doctor.

Jim had once had a crush on another man, but it had been more like craving for a father figure and guidance than an actual crush. He had just been assigned to be the captain of the Enterprise, and everything was so new, confusing. He had felt insecure and unsafe, and wished someone would have led the way. One reason for his feelings to fade away eventually, was that Scotty had been, and still was, one of the most straight-seeming guys he knew.

Spock, on the other hand, was totally different. No one really knew what his deal was, although Jim had sometimes heard people talking about the Vulcan officer's possible homosexuality, since he turned all women, who approached him, down eventually. That wasn't much of a proof, but Jim felt it might have somehow affected his feelings. There was the feeling of hope, the possibility of Spock feeling the same-

_Hold on a second… did I just admit having feelings towards Spock? Having a crush on him?_

_**Yes, you just did. Good luck sorting that one out…**_

He cursed his ability to see himself objectively. It would have been a lot easier to live in denial if he couldn't. Jim had realized his feelings a while ago, but had always distracted himself from actually thinking of admitting them to himself. Spock was his best officer and friend, not someone to have a stupid, teen-like crush on. Jim didn't want things to be like this.

Letting his hands drop to his sides he decided he wasn't in the mood for any halfhearted masturbation. Nothing seemed to really matter at the moment; every thought and emotion was somehow disconnected and random. There was nothing he was able to concentrate on. Nothing.

Stepping out of the steam-filled shower stall, Jim felt cool air greet him in his bathroom. It was refreshing after spending fifteen minutes in a hot shower and merely standing there, thinking. The amount of confusion and unanswered questions in his head was almost unbearable; it was ruling out all other thoughts and making him feel slightly hazy and disarrayed.

_Why do I care about him so much? Why does he make my day by simply standing beside me on the bridge, not necessarily even saying anything? Why do I gravitate to him? Why does his warmth comfort me so? Why does he smell so good? Why SPOCK?_

Right after Jim had wrapped a towel around his waist he heard the chime. It was a strange déjà vu, but despite his worries, he stepped out of the bathroom and walked to the door of his quarters. He could hear Bones' furious rant outside the door, but couldn't tell what he was saying. He opened the door and managed to step aside just in time as Bones pushed Spock inside his quarters. There were two guards behind the men, holding phasers.

"You'll stay here for half an hour, Mr. Spock, and if you try to leave before that, I'll have the guards stun you," Bones barked and stepped outside. The door swooshed shut behind Spock.

"Do I sense some tension between you and the Doctor, Mr. Spock?"

"Usually it is you who tells me I have the gift of understatement, Captain," Spock said with a hint of amusement in his voice. "Dr. McCoy stopped me walking in a corridor towards the engine room and kindly asked me if I could give you your injection today."

Jim smirked, although he was slightly insulted by the fact that Spock had had to be forced to come over.

"Let's have it then. By the way, who gives you your shots? It cannot be Bones since he wouldn't want to see you so often. I'm putting my money on Nurse Chapel."

"As a matter of fact I inject myself."

"How come you are allowed to inject yourself but I am not?" Jim asked, frowning to the unfairness.

Spock shrugged as he prepared the injector.

"I assume Dr. McCoy isn't that concerned about me than he is about you."

"Your assumption seems most logical."

"Why thank you, sir."

Spock checked the injector for any signs of possible malfunctions and said: "I will inject you to the small of your back since I believe you wouldn't be willing to drop your towel in front of me, so that I could locate the shot to your thigh."

Jim blushed. His boner wasn't still entirely gone and of course Spock had had to notice, even though the Captain had thought it wasn't that visible anymore.

"It's alright, Captain, whatever reason there is, I'm sure I would understand, although I am not going to ask any further questions."

_No, you wouldn't understand._

"Thank you Mr. Spock."

The injection was slightly more painful than usually due to its location on a sensitive area. Jim bit his lip to stop himself from letting out a pained groan and squeezed the edge of his desk tightly. He also had become conscious of the fact that his dream was in a way repeating itself; Spock taking care of him, only this time standing behind him to prevent him from avoiding the medicine being injected into him.

Spock withdrew with the injector. The Captain turned halfway around and watched Spock set the steel device on the desktop.

"How have things been on the bridge, Mr. Spock?"

Spock folded his hands behind his back and straightened his posture before answering.

"Uneventful, sir, although for some reason I have constantly had to remind some members of the command crew that I am the one in charge. I believe it is due to a certain human emotion. They miss you Captain."

"I'm flattered, but I think I'll have a little talk with them when I'm back on duty," Jim said smiling. "And haven't I already asked you to call me Jim?"

Spock frowned, tilting his head.

"As a matter of fact you haven't, sir."

_Shit. Now I've done it; I mixed up my dream and reality, and for a moment I thought I have asked Spock to call me Jim. God damn it…_

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Spock, I guess I recalled it wrong. Anyway, I would be pleased if you called me by my first name."

"I shall do that."

"Thank you."

There was a beat of silence, during which Spock lowered his gaze and looked regretful.

"I am sorry I have not visited you."

"That's alright, Mr. Spock, I understand the duties of a science officer and a captain must have kept you quite busy."

"No, Capt-… Jim, it is not alright. Despite my otherwise perfect emotional self-control, I haven't been able to block guilt. I thought it was better if I stayed away, since I have caused enough damage already."

Spock looked like he was lost in a place with no landmarks. It must have been difficult for him to be unable to ignore such a powerful emotion and then tell about it to someone.

"You have done nothing you should feel guilty for," Jim assured. "In fact, you should be proud of yourself for saving my life."

"It is my duty to protect you, Jim. It would be illogical to feel pride," Spock said shaking his head.

Jim was not anymore slightly insulted, he was extremely insulted. What Spock had just said clearly indicated that he hadn't carried Jim all the way to the fifth deck and into the shower of the Captain's quarters to save his friend, but to follow protocol and avoid court martial. It made the blood in Jim's veins burn like acid, and his chest ached like there was a wild animal trapped in there. Still, he maintained a smile.

"I am glad I have such a responsible first officer."

Spock acknowledged with a nod and didn't seem to realize he had just hurt his captain's feelings. As a man with only few emotions, Spock couldn't understand why anyone would be mad at him for pointing out his duties.

Jim was unable to decide whether to just kick Spock out or tell him off a bit first. No one wants to hear that their friend considers them as merely a part of their job and duties. It took the Captain's entire self-control to abandon all the thoughts of showing his hurt feelings and ask Spock to sit down with him instead. Bones wouldn't allow Spock to leave yet anyway.

"Would you like to have something to drink, Mr. Spock?"

"No thank you, I am not thirsty at the moment."

The men sat down, Jim resting his hands on his lap, just in case. Spock was polite enough not to comment this covering gesture and only stared blankly into nothingness. Jim noticed this because Spock never really did that due to his constant state of concentration. Also, he hadn't known that Vulcan's, too, might sometimes stop and merely stare at an undefined spot on the floor.

"Something wrong, Mr. Spock?"

Spock snapped out of his moment of blank mind and gazed up to meet Jim's hazel eyes.

"Nothing, I am merely fatigued. I ran on the gym's treadmill for two hours and it drained me quite sufficiently."

"Perhaps you should get some sleep when your half an hour is up and Bones is willing to let you go."

Spock shrugged.

"Possibly, but I was also about to inquire the possibility of some three dimensional chess with you, unless it is you, who is too tired."

Jim gave his First Officer a raised eyebrow and asked: "I thought you were reluctant to come here in the first place, and now you're intending to stay longer than demanded?"

"I was not being reluctant, Jim," Spock said, shaking his head, "believe me, I was almost aching to come over. To be honest, it has been my strangely strong feelings of guilt and embarrassment that have stopped me from calling on you."

"When have you become so emotional?"

"I do not consider myself more emotional than before, but when it comes to my friendship with you, I feel rather safe to admit my occasional lapses in emotional control."

Jim gave him a wide smirk.

"You better ask Bones to fetch your chess set before you start sounding more like a human."

"I could not agree with you more, Jim."

After four games of three dimensional chess, Jim and Spock's little tournament ended up to be a tie. Defeating Spock in chess was always a challenge, but sometimes pure intuition beat cold logic. Despite this, Spock seemed to be in good mood and had even engaged in some more small talk during the game, although it was well known he considered it unnecessary, aka illogical.

Jim, on the other hand, was happy, but also somewhat preoccupied. He was glad Spock was there with him, and that his First Officer had stated his absence was due to emotional turmoil, not something like disregard. Still, Jim was confused and quite worried. Admitting himself that his affection towards Spock might possibly be something more than just affection towards a friend was a distressing thought. Every time Spock had stared at the board, concentrating, Jim had studied his face and wondered if it was true that he really had feelings towards the man behind the ambery brown eyes. He had tried to convince himself it was not, but the urge to reach out and touch Spock just to feel his comforting warmth, stated otherwise. Jim was in trouble, and in desperate need to talk to someone about his situation.

"Are you tired, Jim?"

The Captain startled a little. The men had sat in silence for quite a while. Long silent moments between them were normal and neither considered them awkward; they were a way to allow each other a moment of thinking without the presumption of sharing those thoughts.

"A bit, yes. You certainly know how to exhaust your opponents."

"I do not do it on purpose, but I guess two completely different tactics tend to exhaust each other, since I am, too, feeling slightly weary."

Jim stretched his arms high above his head and yawned. His First Officer tilted his head and quirked an eyebrow in his eccentric way. The Captain could have sworn he saw a little smile on the Vulcan's face.

"What?"

"I find the human trait of yawning quite fascinating. It serves no known need, but it is a diverse way of communicating. It might be indication of sleepiness or boredom, and I do hope this time it is not the latter."

The Captain smiled tiredly and assured: "Believe me, Mr. Spock, it is certainly not the latter."

Spock acknowledged with a nod.

"I am pleased. In addition, I would not mind if you referred to me as merely Spock."

"Alright, Spock, I will."

Spock rose from his chair and straightened his blue tunic.

"I believe it is my time to call it a night. I will pick up the chess set tomorrow at the beginning of the beta shift, if that is alright with you."

"It's alright, Spock, you're welcome to collect it whenever you want."

A mere nod.

"Good night, Jim."

"Good night, Spock," Jim replied and watched his First Officer leave.

When the door of the Captain's quarters swooshed open, Spock suddenly stopped. The man lowered his head like he had suddenly remembered something, but did not turn around. The Captain opened his mouth to ask what it was, but Spock explained himself spontaneously.

"I have missed you, Jim."

Jim was stunned, and before he could recover and reply, Spock was already gone. The door closed behind him, leaving Jim in an even worse mess of thoughts than before.

_What the hell was that?_

* * *

Bones was going through the results of some routine checkups he had taken earlier when he heard a familiar voice call him through the intercom.

"Captain Kirk to Dr. McCoy."

Bones opened the frequency and grunted: "McCoy here."

"Bones, would you mind coming over tonight? I know it's late, but I need to talk to you."

"Look, Jim, I really should be goin' through these physical results of the engineering crew…"

"Pretty please?"

Bones let out a tortured sigh. Of course he couldn't say no to Jim, especially when his request was a good excuse to delay going through the medical files.

"How come I have the weirdest feeling I'm gonna need a drink for that conversation?"

"If it's bourbon, you better bring some with you. Kirk out."

* * *

"Now, tell me what is so damn important I had to give up goin' through those examination results?"

"Don't act like you're displeased, Bones, you're glad you don't have to work," Jim said smirking and took a sip from his glass of bourbon. Bones always kept a stash of liquor in his quarters and since Jim was aware of that, he could always ask Bones to bring a bottle whenever they sat down together for a late-night talk.

"As you might have noticed, Spock visited me today, and for some reason I got the impression you had something to do with it."

Bones spread his arms out, like he was saying "bring it on".

"I knew you wanted to see him and since he wouldn't have come voluntarily, I had to persuade him a bit. You know how he's like, stubborn like a damn bulldog…"

"He was on duty!" Jim growled. "In addition, you had two guards point phasers at him. Don't you think you went a bit overboard?"

"He's been a complete ass about this, Jim! Besides, I knew you were unhappy because you, too, thought he was avoiding you."

"Don't call Spock an ass."

Bones rolled his eyes and emptied his glass. Damn it, he called the hobgoblin an ass if he wanted to.

"You know, Spock blames himself for infecting you."

The Captain nodded.

"Yes, I know. He told me."

"He told you?" Bones asked, looking like a grumpy owl which had just been thrown at with an acorn. "_He_ told you? He _told_ you? He told-"

"I think you've made your point, Bones."

Bones gave him a raised eyebrow and poured himself some more bourbon. Now that they had argued a bit first, they could start a real conversation.

"So what do you think, Jim?"

"About what?"

"Is it Spock's fault you got the virus?"

"Of course it's not," Jim said slowly. One of his first thoughts after waking up at the sickbay had been 'the water'. "It is my own fault, not anyone else's."

"But how? Did he… sneeze or cough on you? Cough into his palm and then touch you or an object you later handled?"

Jim shook his head.

"The day Spock's sick leave ended, he came to eat lunch with me in the mess and I accidentally drank from a glass of water, from which Spock had already taken a few sips."

Bones' icy blue eyes widened.

"Why the hell did you do that for?"

"I wasn't concentrating!" Jim snapped, frustrated. "Why do you think I would otherwise have drunk from his glass when I had my own?"

Bones shrugged. Jim was awfully short tempered tonight and he wanted to get the conversation to drift to a point where the Captain would tell him why.

"Did Spock say anything else noteworthy?"

For a while Jim considered telling Bones about what Spock had said when leaving, but decided that it would have been a violation of the certain confidentiality between friends, and since Bones would only make fun of Spock for it, Jim decided it was best to say nothing about it.

"Not really. However, after you had brought his chess set over and winked at me saying 'you kids have fun', Spock stated that he found the winking a fascinating gesture."

"Spock finds everything fascinating."

"Actually, if I recall right, he said that things that are interesting and unexpected are fascinating. Rest is merely interesting."

"I really don't care."

Bones set his glass on the table and folded his hands on his lap. He clearly wasn't going to get any answers by waiting, so he decided to be straight forward and ask.

"Did you ask me to come here to only talk about the pointy-eared computer or was there an actual reason?"

A beat of silence.

"I want to get back on duty."

Bones let out a laugh, obviously thinking Jim was joking. When he noticed the Captain's piercing hazel stare the smile faded from his face and he realized the man wasn't kidding.

"There's no way you're goin' back on the bridge before I'm sure you've healed enough."

"Then run a full examination on me tomorrow," Jim challenged. "Then you'll know whether I'm well enough to dust myself off and get back in the saddle."

"No, I will not. You're stayin' here until your two-week sick leave is over."

"Why not?" Jim asked, aware that he sounded like a spoiled brat. "Unless you have a very good reason, I'm going to show up at the sickbay tomorrow, no matter what you say."

"Because…" Bones begun but couldn't come up with a good excuse not to give Jim the examination he demanded. "God damn it, Jim, report to the sickbay by 0900 tomorrow morning."

"It's a deal, Bones," Jim said and raised his glass. Bones shook his head and admitted himself he had softened a bit too much to Jim's puppy dog eyes.

"But if I find anything wrong with you, you'll stay off duty," Bones reminded and gave the Captain a warning look.

"Yeah, yeah. Here, have some more bourbon."

"You do realize I'm going to be a bit angry with you tomorrow?"

"I'm willing to take the risk. Bottoms up."


	5. Chapter 5

**Whoa, I'm actually uploading another chapter again? Well, I've been extremely inspired lately, and that is pretty much the reason why I have published so much text in a short period of time. Tell me if you need a break and I'll try to hold back the next chapter for a while :D Anyway, thanks again for every single fave, follow and review, and enjoy the fifth chapter! :) **

* * *

Staring into the large mirror inside his wardrobe Spock squeezed his hands into tight balls. His eyes appeared black in his dim-lit quarters and there was a fierce but frightened look in them, like the eyes of a cornered animal. He was very disappointed with himself.

"Why did I say it?" was the question he had asked himself all over again after arriving in his own quarters. It had been an unnecessary, illogical and stupid thing to say. It had sounded so clumsy and unfamiliar when he had blurted it out.

_I have missed you, Jim._

Spock's shoulders were trembling as he straightened his posture. He was not afraid of Jim nor himself. He couldn't be. He was a Vulcan; he did not feel fear. He was a Starfleet officer; there was no time to be afraid. He bore the appearance of a Vulcan and the uniform of a commander; there was no room for those startled eyes.

The Science Officer sunk his hands between the clothes that were hanging side by side on coat hangers, and started going through the blue command tunics, searching. The smooth fabric of his dress uniform gently brushed his hand as he pushed it aside. It felt cool and soothing against the warmth of his palm, and he gently stroked the tunic with his index finger. If it was his to decide, he would never wear his dress uniform since he would never attend in occasions where it was necessary to wear such an uncomfortable outfit. It had been said that he looked good in it, but Spock didn't believe in nonsense like that.

A flash of red established that Spock had found what he had been looking for. He pulled the garment out and hung it to the knob of the closet. It was another command tunic, blue like the others, but with a brownish red stain on the shoulder. It was the tunic he had worn when he carried the Captain into the shower stall and turned on the freezing cold water. The Captain had had a bad cut on his hairline, and as Spock had carried him on his shoulders, the blood from the wound had dripped on the Vulcan's clothes.

_Pride._

Jim had noted that Spock should be proud of himself. But why? He had done what he had to do, nothing more. It was his duty, his obligation, to prevent any harm from coming to his friend. He remembered how the terror inside him had lashed out as the Doctor and Mr. Scott had carried Jim to the sickbay and left Spock sit alone in the shower. He had been so afraid that he was going to lose Jim and it would have been his fault. After ten minutes of fighting against the feeling, Spock had burst into tears. He had really thought Jim was going to die.

Spock was not proud of himself; he was ashamed he hadn't been able to control his emotions, but the choking fear, the Captain in his lap, feverish, unconscious and bleeding, had been too much for him. He couldn't bear the thought of losing his captain.

Spock felt like he was suffocating again and decided to get some air. It was well past midnight, so there most likely weren't too many people on duty and wandering around to disturb him. The Enterprise was currently bypassing a large nebula and there was no better place to go and look at it than the panorama room on the fifth deck. Despite its otherwise small size, the room had the ship's largest window, and if Spock had calculated correctly, the nebula was on the same side of the ship as the window, therefore observable.

Having been right about the emptiness of the aisles, Spock was instantly in a better mood than before. He appreciated being alone, especially when there was something on his mind and he needed to think of a way to deal with it. Squeezing the PADD he had brought with him, Spock arrived at the panorama room just to find it conveniently empty. The Vulcan sat down on a bench and gazed into the blackness of the space. There was the nebula; blue, smoky, and slightly brighter in the center. It was about the size of Spock's palm when viewed from where he was sitting, and it somehow reminded him of the foggy nights on wintery Vulcan.

"Spock?"

Spock froze in mid-movement. He could have sworn his heart skipped a beat as he turned around and noticed he was looking at his captain, who had arrived into the panorama room hair all messy, wearing his uniform pants with his black undershirt. The man looked terrible with dark eye circles and an imprint of the pillow on his left cheek.

"Why are you not sleeping, Jim? You look tired."

"There's the understatement again, Spock," Jim said with a weary smile on his face. "I would sleep if I could."

"You are suffering from insomnia?"

"I wouldn't call it insomnia, just occasional trouble in falling asleep."

Jim slumped onto the bench next to Spock and gazed the nebula. It merely floated there, soothingly.

"Beauty, isn't it?"

Spock eyed the blue puddle of gas in the blackness and tilted his head. He couldn't understand the concept of beauty, no matter how long he stared at things commonly described as "beautiful".

"You know I cannot agree with you, Jim, since I do not consider some things more favorable than others by their appearance."

Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Never?"

"Never, unless it is somehow logical."

"I should have seen that coming."

A tense silence fell between them. Spock wondered how Jim had felt about the Vulcan's sudden confession earlier that day, and Jim desired to know if "I have missed you, Jim" had been sincere. Despite their efforts, neither was able to answer their questions themselves.

"Spock, I want to ask you something about what you said when you left my quarters."

"I do apologize for that caprice, Jim, it was very ham-handed."

"Don't apologize, Spock," Jim said in a worried voice, frowning. "I just wanted to ask if you meant it."

Spock remained silent for a while, fiddling with a stylus and staring out of the large window. Jim knew this was a difficult subject for Spock to talk about since he had seemed so embarrassed when telling the Captain he had missed him. Jim knew to wait until Spock was ready to give his answer.

"I did."

Spock looked like he was about to run off again, which gave Jim a good reason to rest his hand on Spock's forearm. He felt the muscles beneath his palm stiffen, but when he gave the arm a gentle squeeze, Spock relaxed again. The familiar warmth of his First Officer's body was burning under the Captain's hand.

"Please don't feel ashamed, Spock. I'm happy for you."

Jim knew Spock was recovering from his moment of insecurity when he received a quirked eyebrow.

"You are happy for me?"

"Sure."

"Do you mind specifying?"

Reluctantly Jim let go of Spock's arm and folded his hands on his lap. The warmth was still there, in his left palm, and he wanted to savor it as long as possible.

"Well, if you miss someone, it makes you happy to see them again, and I'm happy when my friend is happy."

"It is me you are talking about, Jim; when it comes to me, happiness is relative."

Jim shrugged, but said without hesitating: "I'm still sure something changes when you see someone you've missed."

"I guess," Spock started slowly, "I was somewhat pleased when I saw you as Dr. McCoy kindly helped me through the doorway."

"That'll be enough for today, but I'm quite sure we will be able to make a human of you someday."

"With due respect, I hope you will not succeed."

Jim smirked, his own happiness radiating from within, like there was a small star placed inside him. It was a privilege to have Spock open up to him a bit. Nevertheless, there was still something that puzzled him, although it was a very trivial matter.

"Are you wearing a new uniform tunic?"

Spock glanced at his blue tunic.

"As a matter of fact I am."

"I thought we weren't supposed to get new uniforms until next month."

"I always keep one unused so that I always have a spare one if I need it," Spock explained and thought about the command tunic that had a stain of the Captain's blood on it. He could always get it cleaned, but didn't bother since everyone was soon getting their uniforms replaced with a set of new ones.

"I should have known there was a very logical reason," Jim chuckled and glanced at Spock once more before gazing into the space again.

For half an hour the men had sat in complete silence, and suddenly Spock felt something heavy and warm push against him. It was Jim, sound asleep and unaware that he was leaning on Spock's shoulder. Spock quirked an eyebrow and the smallest smile pulled the corners of his mouth. Jim had seemed so tired it was a miracle he hadn't fallen asleep in the middle of their conversation. Spock wondered how Jim had dared to leave his quarters when it was possible that Dr. McCoy, who often worked at night also, might walk down the corridors and see Jim sneaking out.

"Jim?"

The Captain had stirred in his sleep and muttered something, and for a moment Spock had thought the man was at least partially awake.

"What did you say?"

Jim nuzzled against Spock's shoulder and muttered again, and this time Spock clearly heard his name being mentioned.

"I am here. What is it?"

"…talk to me."

Spock's left eyebrow followed the right to his hairline. This was a fascinating development, especially because Jim seemed to be, indeed, asleep. Whatever he was dreaming about obviously made him restless, and Spock decided to follow his sleeping captain's orders to help him stay asleep. He gazed into the blackness of the space and started describing the blue nebula, and Jim immediately stopped stirring and mumbling. Spock knew the subject he had chosen probably was not something Jim would have listened to for too long when awake, but it was all he could come up with. As he spoke, Jim breathing steadily and sleeping peacefully, he felt something; an alien emotion which he assumed to be something his captain had talked about earlier.

_I am happy, Jim._

* * *

Jim opened his eyes slowly and blinked confusedly. He felt quite warm and cozy, and as he lifted his head up, a blue blanket dropped to the floor.

"Did you sleep well?"

Jim glanced at his left and saw Spock, who was writing something on his PADD.

"How long did I sleep?"

"An hour, thirty-seven minutes and forty-five point two seconds."

Jim studied their positioning and was startled when he realized he had slept leaning on Spock.

"I'm so sorry, Spock. You should have woken me up rather than let me sleep with my head on your shoulder. You must have a terrible kink in your neck."

"There is no need to apologize, Jim," Spock assured, clearly amused by his captain's reaction. "As a matter of fact, I fetched you a blanket from my quarters and lifted your head back on my shoulder when I returned. I wanted you to sleep as well as possible."

Jim gave him a raised eyebrow and grunted: "You could have just waked me up and told me to go to bed."

"You seemed so tired that I couldn't do that. And, as I said, there is nothing you should apologize nor feel ashamed for."

Jim picked up the blue blanket, and when Spock wasn't looking, pulled it close to his face and inhaled. Spock's scent filled his nose and woke up the two opposites again; wanting and fulfillment. Maddening.

Fighting the urge to nuzzle the soft fabric he let it drop into his lap and gazed out of the window.

"It would seem we have passed the nebula."

"Indeed we have," Spock replied and looked outside. "Despite our delay, we should arrive to the class M planet the day after tomorrow. We shall establish orbit and beam down a landing party immediately."

Jim sighed, longing to get on the planet surface with Spock. The waiting atmosphere in the transporter room as the landing party prepared to beam down was something that made the Captain feel alive every time. Ordering "energize" was always a source of an adrenaline rush for him; addictive like a roller coaster ride.

The Captain wanted to rest his head against his First Officer again, but thought it might be a bit out of line now that he was awake. Instead he asked: "What have you been doing while I slept?"

Spock gave him a warm, ambery glance that turned in the smile which was trying in vain to pull the corners of his mouth. It was a heartwarming sight for Jim, and he felt privileged to be the only one to see it, to be the only one those smiling eyes looked at.

"I studied the nebula until it disappeared behind the structures of the ship. After that, I did some calculations on my PADD and merely thought about who I am going to beam down on the planet surface."

"There's the possibility you will have to sign me in as well."

Spock turned his face towards the Captain and gave him a very confused look.

"With due respect, I highly doubt Dr. McCoy would allow that."

Jim shrugged with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"I'm having an appointment with our beloved Chief Medical Officer today and he will examine me to determine whether I am healed enough to get back on duty."

Spock's quirked right eyebrow partially disappeared under his dark hair and he tilted his head, obviously very surprised.

"I must admit, I am curious how you persuaded Dr. McCoy to make an appointment with you in the first place. You still have more than a week of sick leave to go."

"We drank bourbon till midnight," Jim explained. The word "fascinating" was almost written on Spock's face.

"I am very pleased if the Doctor allows you to get back on duty, but I am concerned about your health. You are on sick leave for a reason."

"Thank you for your concern, Spock, but I'm feeling fine. I might as well return to the bridge and do something useful."

"I must disagree. The virus is alien to your immune system, and there is no knowing how your body might react to some extra stress."

Jim gave Spock a warm smile and stood up. He folded the blue blanket, saying: "I would be lying if I claimed I am not even slightly happy that you worry about me, but I really am feeling alright."

Spock acknowledged with a nod.

"If you say so."

"That sounds more like it," Jim laughed and handed Spock the blanket. "I think I'll head back to my quarters and get some more sleep."

Spock took his blanket, stood up and grabbed his PADD with him.

"If you do not mind, I would like to accompany you."

"I'd be pleased if you did," Jim said. That was clearly an understatement, but he couldn't just say that it would make his day if Spock walked with him since it would have been a dead giveaway. It was neither the time nor place for dead giveaways.

Walking side by side, the men made their way to the Captain's door. They only encountered some engineering crew and a few yeomans, but when passing them, Jim felt the puzzled eyes of each one on his back. Only a small number of people had seen him after the episode on the bridge and its aftermath, so it was understandable the crewmembers were surprised to see him out and about. Despite this, Jim was quite certain the staring was at least partially due to the fact that he was walking in the corridors with First Officer at three a.m., Jim obviously wearing more casual clothes, thus their late-night walk wasn't about duty. In addition, Spock was carrying a blanket, like they had been on a picnic. Jim was rather self-conscious about his overly happy smirk and was afraid that he seemed a bit obvious.

"It was nice of you to walk with me, Spock."

Spock merely nodded and answered: "It was a pleasure, Jim. I hope you will get some more sleep before your appointment with Dr. McCoy."

"I will," Jim promised. Spock was being so sheltering towards him that he thought Bones must have injected the Vulcan with something. Spock's worry felt good in a way, but it was so extraordinary he wasn't sure what to think. Perhaps Spock had been told by Bones to show his concern a bit more to make up his absence?

As Jim wished Spock good night and turned around to enter his room, he was stopped by a warm hand grabbing his forearm. He turned back and his arm was immediately released. Spock withdrew, looking regretful.

"I wanted to wish you good luck. Dr. McCoy is not the easiest man to convince."

Jim frowned and tilted his head. His First Officer was getting weirder and weirder by every minute.

"I thought you didn't believe in luck."

"I occasionally make exceptions."

_Does that mean you are willing to abandon logic and believe in luck… for me?_

Spock remained expressionless, whereas Jim couldn't help but look confused. There was no way to know what Spock had meant by that, but to Jim it was the sound of a start pistol. A wave of all those emotions connected to Spock's presence brushed the insides of his chest and repressed his discretion. He couldn't anymore stand the constant craving. He decided to endanger everything for almost non-existing odds. It was now or never.

Jim took a step towards Spock, and before the Vulcan could react, he took a hold of the blue command tunic and pressed his lips against Spock's.

The Captain could hear his own heartbeat booming in his ears. He was terrified to make a move as he slowly realized what he had just done. Spock also was terribly still and seemed to be holding his breath, obviously frightened out of his mind. The Science Officer's familiar scent was now closer than ever, blocking out everything else from Jim's head. The warmth radiating from Spock's body dared Jim to press against it, and the feeling of those soft lips on his own was driving him crazy. It was so maddening it hurt.

As Jim encouraged himself a bit and moved closer, gently kissing Spock's lower lip, the Vulcan backed away. The look in the Science Officer's eyes was like of a stray child's; scared, insecure, lost. His lips were slightly parted, like he was trying to say something but was unable to. He shook his head in silent confusion, staring at Jim as if the Captain was a biohazard.

"Spock, I'm sorry-"

"Do not apologize," Spock said in a weird voice; rasp and dry, almost like he was about to sob or choke. "Please excuse me, Jim, but I have to go. Good night."

The Vulcan pivoted and walked away, turning left at the closest intersection to get out of Jim's sight. The Captain stared at the empty corridor for minutes after Spock had left, taking frantic breaths and fighting the urge to punch the nearest wall in self-hatred. There was no way things would go back to normal. He had just ruined a friendship because of that stupid crush that most likely would have withered away over time. He had just chased Spock away.

_You idiot, Jim, YOU IDIOT. You. God. Damn. IDIOT._

The Captain stepped inside his quarters, grabbed the nearest object and threw it to a wall. His communicator was shattered into pieces as it hit the wall and dropped to the floor.

_What the fuck is wrong with you, Jim?! Why the hell did you kiss him?! He is not gay and you knew it, no matter what the crew gossips behind his back!_

Jim sat on the edge of his bed and buried his face to his hands. It was no escape from the situation since there were remains of Spock's scent on his fingertips, sealed between his hands and face. The scent had now a new dimension in it, altogether a very hurtful and venomous one.

Jim staggered into his bathroom like he was drunk and leaned to the sink. From the mirror above the sink stared the most horrible-looking James Kirk he had ever seen; messy, weary, angry, teary. His hazel eyes were bloodshot from fatigue, but they made him look like he had already cried for hours. Slim wisps of hair were hanging on his forehead, swaying back and forth as he moved restlessly. He was so tired he could have slept on the bathroom floor, but wasn't going to allow himself any rest. Instead, he turned on the tap, set the temperature to the hottest mode possible, squeezed a small puddle of soap onto his left palm and started cleansing his hands from Spock.

* * *

After waking up for the fifth time in one hour Spock finally realized it was useless to even try to sleep. He had gone straight to bed after kicking his boots from his feet and throwing his PADD on his desk, but falling asleep had proven to be difficult. Next thing he had noticed was that he had slept for fifteen minutes and was again awake and thinking. This had gone on for an hour, and Spock was getting frustrated.

_It makes no sense. It is illogical. _

He could not think of a logical causation between wishing the Captain good luck and the Captain kissing him. Spock was reluctant to admit himself that there might be a causation he had not thought about, and preferred to think that everything was caused by something very illogical, therefore not understandable. There was only one explanation left, and he had tried to avoid it for as long as possible.

_Jim cannot be homosexual. He is always flirting with female crew members, not with men. All Jim's mates have been women as far as I know, so there is no way he could be into men, can there?_

Spock knew the first sign of his self-discipline falling apart was suspecting his own logic, and that was what had been happening all night. It was a very bad sign.

Jim had caught him off guard by lunging at him like that and grabbing his tunic in a manner so craving Spock had thought it could not have possibly been Jim Kirk who was suddenly kissing him. Spock had been so paralyzed by the shock he couldn't even take a hold of the Captain's arms and push him away, and had barely managed to stumble backwards to create some distance between them. Jim had looked like a beaten up dog with his tortured gaze and submissive stance.

_Why, Jim?_

That was the biggest question; the other ones were just small branches of a larger whole. Spock knew this had got something to do with emotions, but since he had repressed most of his, he could not understand. Jim hadn't been showing any signs of having feelings towards Spock, nor had he seemed to be attracted to him. He had merely been formal when on the bridge, and friendly when off duty, nothing more.

_Or had he? _

Sometimes Spock had caught Jim staring at him with the weirdest look on his face, something that looked like a small, peculiar smile. Whenever they stared into the scanner together, Jim was always so close that Spock could not make a move without brushing against him. Every time there was the possibility of delegating command to Mr. Scott, the Captain ordered Spock to join the landing party with him, despite the fact that Spock was the second in command, thus often needed when the Captain was absent. When Spock was in his laboratory, working on something, Jim often mysteriously appeared and said he needed Spock's assistance or a consultation. The Captain had clearly been gravitating to him for a while.

_How is it possible I did not see that?_

Spock pushed his dark hair back from his forehead, thinking furiously. After five minutes of pondering his thick hair was pointing in every possible direction.

_What should I do? Obviously I cannot avoid Jim since we work together, but neither can I act like nothing happened. A problem exists and I need to somehow find a solution._

Spock did not often feel like he was in need of help, but now was one of those moments when he was unable to come up with an answer by himself. There was another problem, though; Spock did not have anyone to ask advice from. Besides Jim, there wasn't really anyone Spock was friends with, only people he was friendly with, but merely in a professional sense.

_There is always Dr. McCoy, but he is more than often insufferable and I could not talk to him about this without embarrassing Jim. The Doctor would not make fun of him like he would of me, but it would put Jim in a very uncomfortable situation and interfere with their both formal and informal relationships._

_I wish not to embarrass Jim. He surprised me with his need of closeness, especially because it was directed at me, but I am not going to embarrass him for it._


	6. Chapter 6

**I have been having the worst writer's block EVER. I've had some ideas but I have been completely unable to put them into words, and that's pretty much the reason for the delay of this chapter. I do apologize. Fortunately (?) I caught a cold and my writer's block was mysteriously cured, and I was finally able to write another chapter of Intoxicating. It's not a very long one, nor it is as good as it should be, but here it is anyway. I hope you enjoy, and I promise that you will not have to wait for the next one forever :P**

* * *

"Good morning, Doctor."

_Great. Just great._

"Good mornin', Spock."

As if it wasn't uncomfortable enough to stand in a turbolift in an awkward silence with someone, it was even worse when the parties didn't exactly like each other. That being the case, Bones tried his best to keep his distance as Spock stepped in.

"Even though I do not take anyone's privacy lightly, I feel somewhat obligated to ask whether Captain Kirk is going to return to the bridge any time soon."

Bones saw Spock give him a courteous glance from the corner of his eye, although the Vulcan did not change his posture to face the doctor. The Doctor responded with a raised eyebrow and asked: "So Jim told you that he had an appointment with me, huh?"

"He told me that he was going to ask you for a one and I was certain you would not object", Spock explained and clasped his hands behind his back. Bones could see that the man was more uptight than usually, and pondered whether he should ask why. Despite the constant bickering and mutual disrespect, there was a part of him that had grown fond of the hobgoblin, and it bothered him to see so much tension where it did not belong.

"Well, you're right, I did not object", the Doctor said, "but unfortunately I couldn't abort his sick leave. He's got a new appointment next week and until then he is not gettin' back on duty."

Spock remained stone-faced and looked straight ahead as the turbolift stopped and the door swooshed open.

"I assume you came all the way to the bridge for a reason, Doctor?"

"Does it count as a reason that I'm takin' a break and thought it would be interesting to see what's goin' on in here?"

"I suppose that for a human it does", Spock said and stepped out with two long strides. He was immediately drowned into a hum of voices as everyone started giving him reports at the same time, and Bones could see it took all Spock's concentration and patience to listen to everyone simultaneously. Everything was exactly the same as when Jim was in charge, except for a certain sense of formality that seemed to follow Spock everywhere. When Jim was in command, the atmosphere was more casual, and that probably was why the crew was so motivated day after another.

"Y'know, you could allow these people a bit more relaxed environment", Bones said as he walked to the commanding officer's chair after Spock had listened to all the reports. "You could start small, like Casual Friday."

"Casual Friday?"

"Yeah, a day when everyone's allowed to dress down and wear their civilian clothes."

"I do not think the Starfleet would approve."

Bones rolled his eyes and grunted: "Goddammit, Spock."

Spock didn't bother to respond, and for almost ten minutes the men stared into the blackness of the space in a brooding silence. Bones took advantage of Spock's preoccupation and reluctance to engage in any further small talk and kept an eye on him the whole time he stood beside the chair that only few people had ever sat into. Something was off, but the Doctor could not really put his finger on it; there was no straightforward sign of anything, but the feeling that something was different, was very strong.

"Well, it was wonderful to see you, Spock", Bones said sarcastically as he turned around to leave for the sick bay, "as always".

"Doctor McCoy, could you do something for me?"

The Doctor had never heard Spock ask him for a favor with such a polite tone in his voice. As Bones turned around he saw a glimmer of worry in Spock's eyes before the Vulcan blinked it away and put on his usual stoical face. The First Officer had something important on his mind.

"Sure."

"Since I am aware that you will visit the Captain later, I would be grateful if you told him that I am going to pay him a visit too when my shift ends."

"I'll tell him that. Are you planning on doin' the gamma shift too?"

"So it would appear."

Bones shrugged, said: "I know it's none of my business, but I would advise you not to whip yourself on forever", and left the bridge. He felt Spock's thoughtful gaze on his back as he walked away, but by the time he reached the turbolift and turned back Spock was again staring into the black nothingness on the main viewer.

_I hate to admit but I'm worried for them both_, Bones thought and turned the handle of the turbolift, muttering: "Deck five".

* * *

Jim was getting increasingly frustrated with his sweating palms and shaking hands. He had been extremely on edge since Bones' visit earlier that day when the Doctor had casually informed him that Spock would be coming over when the alpha shift was to end. The Captain had prepared himself for a day of self-loath and furious thinking, not for facing Spock again so soon after the most recent incident. He had never felt so insecure in his whole life.

The talk he had had with Bones had definitely not been on the pleasant side. The Doctor had been grumpy as always, but now he also seemed to have reached a new level of concern over the two friends of his.

"I'm tellin' you, Jim, there's something wrong with the computer", Bones had said as he withdrew with the injector. The Captain's rash had faded away so well that the Doctor had finally been able to give him the shot on his upper arm.

"Maybe he's just tired."

"I'm a doctor, Jim, I think can tell the difference between fatigue and emotional turmoil", Bones had growled and sat down on the chair next to Jim's desk. "Something was botherin' him."

The Captain had merely shrugged in attempt to act like he had no clue of what was going on. "Spock is a Vulcan, he can pull himself together."

Bones had given Jim the angriest look and spread his arms, almost appalled. "What the hell is wrong with you, Jim? I'm tellin' you, that man is clearly troubled; don't you think you should be a bit more concerned?"

"He's fine, Bones."

"I can't believe you're sayin' that", Bones had snapped dryly. "Spock is clearly struggling with himself and I'd say he would appreciate if we helped him to snap out of it."

"When did you start caring so much about Spock anyway?" Jim had asked, trying in vain to make Bones give up the subject that made him uncomfortable. "It's a well-known fact that you two don't exactly get along."

"Maybe not, but it still doesn't mean I can't worry for him", Bones had hissed in a lowered voice, which had actually been quite intimidating. When Bones was somewhat angry he tended to yell, but when he was very angry, he went silent. Jim had known he had gotten on the Doctor's nerves and decided that it was time to end the nonsense.

"Look, Bones, you know that I care about Spock too, but it's just that Spock prefers to overcome his problems on his own", Jim had said apologetically. "It's a Vulcan dignity-thing."

"Well, I guess you're right", Bones had admitted, although his tone had still been far from easygoing, "but I'm sure he wouldn't be offended if you showed some concern. He asked me to tell you that he's coming over when the alpha shift ends, and I'd say that would be the ideal time to have a talk with him."

That had sent so much chills down Jim's back he had almost shivered. Yes, he and Spock had an agreement that Spock would pick up his chess set, but Jim had assumed the agreement was no longer valid since their last encounter had ended the way it did. He had obviously forgotten that Spock tended to keep his word

"Y'know, Spock has been a bit out of the famous emotional control of his for a while now", Bones had said as he walked to the door, about to leave. "He's even raised his voice to me once already. That, if anything, tells me that somethin' is off."

Without any further arguments to prove Jim's regardless attitude wrong, Bones had left. The Doctor's final statement rang in Jim's ears for minutes after the man's departure.

_You're right of course, Bones._

The alpha shift had ended ten minutes ago, and Jim was almost hoping that Spock wouldn't come. He knew there was nothing he could do or say to normalize things between them; his feelings of "the wrong kind of attachment" were too strong for that. There was a part of him that wished he had the opportunity to further explore these new feelings of affection, but he was forced to admit to himself that Spock would most likely refuse the offer.

The Captain froze for multiple seconds when the buzz of the door chime rippled in the air. He knew he couldn't pretend he was not there, but he was reluctant to let the person behind his door in. In spite of this he cleared his throat and said "Enter", his voice slightly shaking.

There was nothing shaky about the tall and lean Vulcan officer who stepped into his quarters, folding his hands behind his back and straightening his posture as the door swooshed shut behind him. He seemed very calm and confident; at least his self-control was not crumbling at the moment, although Bones had claimed the opposite. Spock lifted his chin just enough to lock eyes with the Captain.

"My apologies for being late, sir; something requiring my immediate attention came up and I had to deal with it before I left the bridge."

"That's alright, Mr. Spock", Jim said and glanced at Spock's chess set, which was still as they had left it the previous evening. "I trust you came to pick up your chess set?"

"Affirmative, but there are also some matters I wish to discuss with you."

"Alright, Mister Spock", Jim said and sat behind his desk, waving his hand towards the chair on the other side of it, "what is it you would like to talk about?"

Spock sat down in silence and lifted his right leg over his left one before saying in a very even and cold voice: "With due respect, Captain, I find your decision to act like nothing happened… Slightly insulting."

Jim sighed in relief. At least Spock acknowledged that what happened was, indeed, a big deal. "I'm sorry, Mr. Spock, I never meant to insult you. How would you suggest we proceed?"

The quirked eyebrow he received was somewhat heartwarming sight for Jim. At least something was like it used to be.

"Since this conversation holds a great significance for us both, I suggest we listen to what the other party has to say and then continue in a manner that seems appropriate."

"Sounds good to me. Should I start?"

"It would seem most logical if you did."

"Alright, well… I'm not sure what you have been thinking about what happened, but I guess it's now pretty obvious that I… That I have… Um…"

"There is no need to struggle with your choice of words, Captain; I understand what you are trying to say."

"Um, thank you", Jim said, fiddling nervously with one of Spock's chess pieces. "Anyway, since there isn't much I can say to fix things, I might as well state that I'm sorry for what happened and hope that you're not too disgusted by my actions towards you."

Spock nodded slowly, letting the Captain's words sink in before replying.

"As I stated during the early morning hours, there is no need for apologies. In fact, it is me who should apologize; my reaction to the manifestation of your affection was most impolite. In addition, I must note that I was not disgusted by your actions towards me then, nor am I disgusted by them at present."

As Spock allowed himself a moment to take a deep breath, Jim's mind was already racing. What was his First Officer saying?

"I was overwhelmed and confused by such an unexpected action. Being unsure how to respond, instead of logic, my instincts took over. It was an unfortunate lapse of judgement and I am regretful for putting you in such an unfair position by leaving like that. It would be a relief if you forgave me, but I understand if you are reluctant."

Jim was unaware that his mouth was open from confusion as he stared at Spock, who seemed to be sincerely sorry. There was something in the Vulcan's eyes, something the Captain had never seen there before; could it possibly be shyness that made Spock squeeze his arched eyebrows into such worried lines?

"So… What are you saying exactly?" The Captain asked cautiously. He wanted to be sure about everything before continuing the conversation.

Spock tilted his head, letting his gaze wander on the desk. Jim saw a deep green blush creep up on the Vulcan's cheeks. "I believe I am trying to say something like 'Jim, I am honored and pleased that you feel such affection towards me, since I have, for a while now, felt something similar towards you'."

Jim was not certain whether he was intentionally holding his breath or if he had actually forgotten how to breath for a while. When he finally was able to inhale sharply, Spock had already recovered from the confession, and only the green tint on his cheeks remained as evidence of what the Commander had just said. The dark eyes were studying the Captain's face, but avoided meeting his gaze.

"Spock, I had no idea."

"That was the intention. I never thought you would return my feelings since, as far as I am aware, all your mates have been females."

"You're correct, I've only been with women", Jim said and set the white bishop he had been holding back on the chessboard on his desk. "Does that… bother you?"

"It does not", Spock said, carefully considering every word before saying them out loud. "But there is something that worries me, since I wish not to hurt you in any way."

"And what's that?"

"Although Vulcans consider such behavior shameful, I have only had experiences you humans call 'one-night stands'."

"Why so?"

"The freedom that living with humans provides has sometimes gotten the better of me."

Jim smiled a little and let himself sink deeper into his chair. Having this sort of conversation with Spock had proven to be much less awkward he would have ever imagined; especially now that Spock had also confessed something that could potentially put the Vulcan in an uncomfortable situation, Jim felt like he could speak freely. And it seemed like Spock felt the same way.

"You know, Bones has been quite worried about you", Jim said and gave Spock a reassuring glance. His First Officer seemed to be still quite tense, probably due to the fact that he very rarely shared anything with anyone. The Captain could tell Spock was slightly embarrassed, and tried his best to make his friend feel accepted. "He thinks you've had problems with your emotions."

"He is not entirely wrong. I have found it difficult to repress such emotions that are somehow connected to you."

"Was it true when he told me that you raised your voice to him?"

"Unfortunately it was. For a split second my frustration overcame me as I did my best to stop your temperature from climbing."

"I'm eternally grateful for what you did."

"I would never forgive myself if I had not."

Jim gave Spock a warm smile. "I know."


End file.
